Agnew, Jonathan (also known as Aggers) – former fast bowler for Leicestershire, taking 666 wickets at an average of 29.25 and winning three Test caps for England. On the radio occasionally. More here.
Akhtar, Shoaib – plays extremely fast, and extremely loose. More here.
Anderson, James (also known as Jimmy) – very useful pace bowler who, nevertheless, tends to make his mark in the public consciousness as a batsman, either as the gutsy number 10 who has to come in and save the day every three matches or so, or as England’s perpetual nightwatchman. More here.
Atherton, Mike (also known as The Cockroach) – a fantastically hardy species of batsman that, once swarming over a wicket, can sometimes be nearly impossible to remove. Specialist attention by ground staff may be required to treat the infestation. More here.
Bell, Ian – superb batting technician not always willing to compromise his technique by getting runs or staying at the wicket. More here.
Blofeld, Henry (also known as Blowers) – national treasure. More here.
Bopara, Ravi – briefly appeared to be a competent top-of-the-order batsman who could perform in all forms of the game. Then along came Jonathan Trott. More here.
Boycott, Geoffrey – the world’s only acknowledged authority, on cricket and everything else. More here.
Broad, Stuart – the Peter Crouch of cricket. More here.
Chanderpaul, Shivnarine – West Indian international batsman of such incredible skill and tenacity that, even come World War Three and the inevitable aeons-long nuclear winter, he and preferred batting partner Ramnaresh Sarwan would remain unmoved at the crease. More here.
Collingwood, Paul (also known as Brigadier Block) – holder of the record for continuous occupation of the crease at 25 hours and seven minutes, during which time he faced more than a thousand balls and scored just 17 runs. And reportedly felt that he should have left at least fourteen of those. More here.
Cook, Alastair – practically unique in that he was born in the Northern hemisphere and yet bats at the top of the England order. More here.
Edwards, Charlotte – phenomenally successful England Women captain who could often show Michael Vaughan and Andrew Strauss a thing or two, about captaining and batting. More here.
Flintoff, Andrew (also known as Freddie) – semi-mythological Bacchanalian deity worshipped by a significant section of the English public. However, recently showing a worrying lack of potency, leading to whispers that he might be merely human after all. More here.
Fletcher, Duncan – reportedly possessing the useful skill of being able to start an argument in a room on his own. More here.
Frindall, Bill (also known as Bearders) – The man who knew everything. Rest in peace, Bill. More here.
Gough, Darren – can’t sing, can dance, can bowl a little. More here.
Gower, David – the Des Lynam of cricket. More here.
Harmison, Steve – an example of the English fast bowler, a rare and infrequently-spotted creature on its native shores, preferring a northerly habitat but tolerant of an exceedingly wide variety of pitches. Sometimes the victim of injury and inconsistency this species can, however, often produce outstanding performances. More here.
Holding, Michael – not a close personal friend of Peter Willey, contrary to popular belief. More here.
Hussain, Nasser – right-handed batsman and one-time England cricket captain with a reputation for dressing-room authoritarianism. Now a commentator – and professional lookalike. Mr Burns? Or a former president of Russia? You decide… More here. (With thanks to Aaron Bateman)
Johnston, Brian (also known as Johnners) – the doyen of the Test Match Special speaks for himself. More here.
Jones, Simon – the Ryan Giggs of cricket who, at time of writing, appears to have about as much chance of getting picked for England. More here.
MacGill, Stuart – Shane Warne version 2.0 nevertheless with some transcription errors that have unfortunately left him partial to reading books and drinking fine wine. More here.
Marks, Vic – former Somerset and England international cricketer and ODI specialist. We cannot come up with anything that would top this quote from Wisden editor Matthew Engel: “a mild, nervy, self-deprecating farm boy with an Oxford degree and no enemies”. Currently playing a superb innings as a TMS summariser, and a possible commentator of the future when the inevitable retirements come? More here.
Martin-Jenkins, Christopher (also known as CMJ) – unpunctual cricket commentator, best known as the man prepared to admit to unwittingly cleaning his teeth with shaving foam on national radio. Just don’t get him talking about fishing. More here.
Nel, Andre – scary f***er. More here.
Onions, Graham (also known as The President) – supposedly a right-arm medium-fast bowler. In reality, selected partly for his usefulness to newspaper headline-writers and fans with a silly sense of humour and partly to stand in the way of fearsome deliveries from frustrated bowlers desperately trying for that elusive 20th England wicket. Has a batting action reminiscent of wood-chopping. Accused of looking like the President of Iran – but we can reveal that he is actually Eric Idle undercover. Keep that to yourselves. More here.
Panesar, Monty – Formerly England’s single most popular cricketer, and celebrant extraordinaire, despite occasional distraction in the outfield and an admission of keen support for Luton Town Football Club. Now viewed more objectively as an extremely useful specialist bowler – and currently in exile at Sussex hoping to regain his form, having been authoritatively displaced by Graeme Swann. More here.
Pattinson, Darren – er… give me a minute. It’ll come to me. More here.
Pietersen, Kevin (also known as KP) – pantomime villain. Boo! Hiss! Does a nice sideline in men’s hair pomade. More here.
Ponting, Ricky (also known as Punter and many other unprintable things) – annoyingly good, also Australian (although these terms may be regarded by some as interchangeable). More here.
Ramprakash, Mark – national batting talisman. Whenever an England top-order batsman falls slightly short the nation shouts, as if with one voice: “Drop him! Bring back Ramps!” This superstitious ritual does appear to bring a measure of success to the actual batting incumbents. But affectionate nostalgia for Ramps’ international playing days never seems to lead to people posting the poor guy some new shirt buttons… More here.
Shah, Owais – always a bridesmaid, never a bride. More here.
Sidebottom, Ryan – Stand-up comedian and all-in wrestler. Also known to send down a ball or two. Sometimes confused with Peter Stringfellow, however his place in an upcoming L’Oreal commercial is assured should he not find himself on continued international duty. More here.
Smith, Graeme – South Africa’s youngest captain, and a phenomenally successful opening batsman. Fiercely competitive: takes the view that if his side is not winning then clearly someone must have tampered with the ball. More here.
Stanford, Allen (formerly known as Sir Allen) – was aspiring to be the Roman Abramovitch of cricket. Now aspiring to hang onto the bottom bunk in his jail cell. More here.
Strauss, Andrew – invaluable in the following equation (sometimes referred to as the Warne-Pollock method) to decide the outcome of international matches: “The side containing the most Australians shall win. In the event of a tie, or of no Australians being on the ground, the number of players of South African origin shall be counted.” See also Mascarenhas, Dimitri and Pietersen, Kevin. More here.
Swann, Graeme – Jon Bon Jovi slumming it in cricket. Or is he Robbie Williams? More here.
Trott, Jonathan – right-handed batsman with three important responsibilities in the England team: 1) beefing up the top of the batting order, 2) providing material for people who like to go on and on about the team being stuffed with South Africans 3) doing a ritualistic little weather-dance on the crease before every ball and meanwhile determining by experiment just how long it will take an opposing bowler to lose his temper and aim one straight at his head. More here.
Tufnell, Phil (also known as Tuffers, The Cat and Two Sugars Tufnell) – irrepressibly cheerful former international spin bowler and archetypal “if there was a number 13 he’d be it” batsman. Popular for his bad boy persona, which has nevertheless seen him in serious and unpleasant trouble at times, he is said to be among the bolshiest players for a captain to handle, and to be possessed of a legendary ability to fall asleep anywhere and at any time. Has made a smooth transition from playing to commentary on TMS (where he is occasionally called out for offering fluent insights on subjects he knows little about, like batting) and reality TV stardom. Was absolutely f***ing robbed on Strictly. More here.
Vaughan, Michael – Formerly England’s senior and arguably most successful Test captain, now retired and commentating for TMS with the help of a little extra warmth for his scalp. Absolutely not leading a double life as a CIA field agent with a demanding taste in women, despite superficial resemblances between the two men. More here.
Warne, Shane (n) 1. Species of large predator generally found in the south-eastern reaches of Australia but also occasionally spotted as far afield as India and the UK. Recognisable by its distinctive white nose. Its attacks are often fatal. 2. A questionably accurate but deliberately provocative remark designed to unsettle one’s prospective opponents, for example: “If Australia really needed me and there was no one else around and Ricky thought I could do the job…” More here.
